This entire baseball season, all anybody wants to talk about is steroids. Everybody’s curious to know which baseball players have used them. But are steroid using baseball players really a danger to society? Is that really what we should waste our time being concerned about? Maybe we should be more worried about presidents using steroids?
You might be thinking there’s nothing to worry about, that voters are too smart to give all that power to a steroid user. For instance, here in my state of California, we the people of our nation’s most populous state, would never entrust someone who had once been a chronic steroid user and could go into a roid rage in a moment’s notice to run a government. There’s no possible way that we would be that stupid would we? Well actually yes, we really were that stupid.
Right here in our very own state, we elected Arnold the Barbarian. This is the same man who a decade earlier had used his steroid enhanced frame to get himself a job as chairman of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness. This position allowed him to teach little kids how they could inject their way to the perfect body, and helped set him on his way to becoming our governor.
But it’s not just us in California. Four percent of our nations states are known to have had governors who had been chronic steroid users and four of our last five presidential elections, a whopping 80 percent, have been won by governors. It’s only a matter of time before we have a steroid using president.
Can we really risk the chance that we might be someday led by a roided up president. Rick Collins, attorney and author of the book Legal Muscle, questions whether there really is such a thing as roid rage, but what he did say in regards to steroids was that ‘if someone’s a jerk to begin with, he’s going to be a bigger jerk if he’s 20-30 pounds heavier, that goes without saying.”
So according to Collins, a politician who had been artificially bulked up by steroids might be more likely to refer to a political opponent as a ‘girlie man’.
In the documentary Bigger, Stronger and Faster, William Llewellyn, the author of Anabolics is quoted as saying, ‘I think if you take certain people and they’re 150-160 pounds, the they might be an asshole, but they’re generally not going to start a whole lot of trouble, because they’re going to get their ass beat, but if you give that person a lot of gear, and they’re suddenly 220 pounds huge and very intimidating physically they’re more free to act on it.’
This hypothesis is known in some academic circles as Llewellyn’s Theory of
Assholocity. Let’s see just how his theory applies to some of the people who have been on the brink of becoming president of the United States.
First there’s Dick Cheney. Here’s a man who’s shot a friend in the face and throws out F-bombs like a drunken sailor on the best of days. Could you imagine the danger we could have been in if he were a steroid user and had his finger on the button.
Also what if Sarah Palin had been on steroids and risen to the office of president. Her and her secessionist husband would have launched a Ramboesque attack on our nation in order to gain Alaskan Independence. Our nation would never recover from that.
And in order to not be partisan, can you imagine a steroid using Howard Dean rising to the office of the President. He would have begun to turn a hulk-like green as he yelled out and ordered our troops to Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Iran, Libya rrrrrr.
Likewise, think of what Teddy Roosevelt would have been like on steroids.
In fact the only person who could have actually made a better president if he had used steroids would have been Clinton. The testicular damage caused by the steroids might have prevented him from having the affair with Lewinsky.
Currently, we have a president who is so skinny that he needs two secret servicemen to keep him from blowing away during a windstorm, making him a very unlikely steroid user. But I hope I have made it clear that the time to act is now.
We must implement a very strict steroid policy in politics. We should start testing all presidential candidates starting with the 2012 election. If a president is found to be a steroid user, we should put an asterisk immediately next to his accomplishments. If he or she is so stupid as to be a repeat offender than that person should be banned from ever having a presidential library.
The office of the presidency is something that we once held sacred. Maybe some of the sacredness fell off out after the Lewinsky scandal. Let’s wipe out the potential for presidential steroid use before it’s too late. Lets make sure we never have to deal with the image of a president injecting a needle full of steroids up his ass.
Bigger Stronger, Faster (Movie) 2008